Jokes from the Clubs

Jokes do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the band, the venues; or anyone associated with the above. Our intention is not to offend or upset anyone (except those that deserve it...you know who you are).

Bentz Street Raw Bar, Frederick, MD

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As the old man gets up and composes himself, a young kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "You know, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it won't slip." The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat on this here bus."

Ott House, Emmetburg, MD

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

The TRUE Story of Creation...(author unknown)

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.

And the Earth was without form, and void,

And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image;

Male and female, He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman

And saw that they were lean and fit.

And God populated the earth

With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach

And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,

So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt,

That Woman might keep her figure

But the Devil brought forth chocolate.

And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.

And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus?

"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables

And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak

So big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds

And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.

And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control

So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat

and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy

center into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control

And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken

And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body,

While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of

the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth

Into the land of Godiva chocolate,

And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man

And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage

counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Tastee Diner, Laurel, MD
(this joke has adult content)

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.  The sheriff asks, "Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"  Billy Bob replies, "Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.  Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.  Inside the barn we started a-kissing and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy.  Well then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.  Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots.  Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy Bob, let's go to town!'  "I guess I'm the first one here."

Cowboy Cafe North, Arlington, VA
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her  mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

The Red Men Club, Williamsport, MD

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!

Private Party, College Park, MD

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said "Where are you going ?" He said "I'm going to the doctor."  And she said "Why, are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said "Where are you going?" She said "I"m going to the doctor too."  He said "Why?" She said "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot"

Cowboy Cafe South, Arlington, VA
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.  Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there over night.